Prognostications 2009
Posted by cinaedh on January 1, 2009
Originally from Gord Campbell’s blog: Watching the digital watchers
Time for prognostications. All things come from a vision. Here are the events foretold for 2009:
1. There will be a major earthquake in Asia.
2. There will be a bloody conflict in the Middle East.
3. A noted Hollywood actor will enter a drug rehab.
4. The President of the United States will acquire a dog.
5. Canada will have an idiot for Prime Minister.
6. The price of oil will change.
7. In July, the southern military base of the US empire, McMurdo Station, will be struck by low temperatures near -40ºC.
8. A meteor will fall into earth’s atmosphere.
These are but a few of the visions over the past few days.
Additional wiseass predictions from The Peanut Gallery:
9. Blogs and social networking sites have peaked and will decline, replaced by something else but leaving dead, abandoned web pages, scattered all over the Internet like rotting carrion.
10. Someone will come up with a new search engine and try to compete with Google. Google will crush them like a bug and continue to claim Google does no evil, even as they feed more Chinese dissidents to Chinese state security. More Chinese families will pay for bullets.
11. Microsoft will lurch around like a drunken sailor, trying and failing to find new ways to corner the market on money.
12. Someone will finally figure out ‘cloud computing’ is just dumb terminals attached to a mainframe and all the idiotic hoopla and deceptive sales pitches will finally cease.
13. Microsoft will be forced to release software patches to plug gaping security holes in Windoze.
14. Apple will release some slick gimmick and all the Apple fanboys and fangirls will have prolonged, intense, multiple orgasms.
15. The National Security Agency in the U.S. will finally admit Windoze is actually nothing more than a gigantic rootkit, controlled by unnamed agencies of the U.S. government and various, unnamed Corporations.
16. A meteor will NOT fall onto my head.
hhopper said
I think that the Additional Wiseass Predictions are right on the money. You forgot one though.
Hopper will knit a scrotum warmer for King Kong.
Cinaedh said
@hhopper,
Thank you for supporting me in my silliness. Your support is much appreciated and it will no doubt lead to further fabulous flights of frivolous fantasy.
p.s.
I’ll bet you could LIVE in King Kong’s scrotum warmer. That would be quite the knitting job.
CmA
Misanthropic Scott said
14. Apple will release some slick gimmick and all the Apple fanboys and fangirls will have prolonged, intense, multiple orgasms.
No wonder Apple products sell for such a premium. I have a mac but may have been missing some slick gimmicky features, and therefore not be getting my money’s worth from it.
As for King Kong, remember please that (at least according to Jared Diamond in The Third Chimpanzee) gorillas have far smaller genitalia than humans, especially as a percentage of body size. So, King Kong’s scrotum may indeed be impressive, but likely not enormous enough to live in a warmer for them. Sorry to disappoint.
Cinaedh said
@Misanthropic Scott
All Apple products are so slick they’ll fit in…
…anywhere!
By the way, thanks for the additional information about gorilla genitalia. With Hopper’s recent fixation on scrotums and knitting, I’m quite sure your insights will eventually come in handy.
Mr Gilly said
I have to challenge your #9.
“Blogs and social networking sites have peaked and will decline, replaced by something else but leaving dead, abandoned web pages, scattered all over the Internet like rotting carrion.”
While blogging may indeed fade and fall by the wayside, the abandoned web pages will last only as long as the servers that host them, but unlike carrion, they are not subject to bacteria, yeasts, nor Virium DNA, but live on in a sterile like manner while possibly surreptitiously infected with rogue code(s)!
Mr Gilly said
In the case of #12.
“Someone will finally figure out ‘cloud computing’ is just dumb terminals attached to a mainframe and all the idiotic hoopla and deceptive sales pitches will finally cease.”
Did this one arise due to some oriental’s inability to pronounce “crowd computing”?